Here's the real-life conversation I had in the car last night. Unfortunately, the other person didn't hear any of it, because he was in another car, a big white suv behind me, and one lane over:
Me: "Okay, you know that lane is ending back there, right? I see you back there! I merged into this super-slower lane a mile ago! You know why? Because I saw all the signs that said the lane was closing a mile ago! There are plenty of gaps back there, so you can merge any time. Any time. Don't just keep going forward. Wait a minute: You're not planning on doing what I think you're doing are you? Oh, Jeez, you are! You're not waiting in this horrible slow-lane like all the rest of us miserable souls, are you? You're going to drive right up to the very, very last possible moment, and then try to merge in front of ME!
No! I'm not letting you in! You can't do it because I'm not opening a gap! I'm sticking nice and close to the car in front of me! Haha, you lane-change-cheater, see, nobody else is gonna let you in either! That'll teach you! Merge like everybody else!
Hey, back off! Hey! You can't fit in there! Knock it off, you're gonna hit me! Okay, fine, go ahead. You're bigger than me. (Waves back) You're welcome."